August 23rd, 2008
What does the Best Parent Ever have against cows?
To enter a BPE household is to discover a world without dairy. There is soy milk, rice milk, and almond milk, along with similarly-derived cheese-like products that often have the epicurean appeal of toilet grouting. For most of us, there is either cheese or “Cheez,” preferably with the word “whiz” after it. Everything else is just soy pus.
| Since when did the humble cow become so despised? To listen to the Best Parent Ever, our bovine friends are so useless they should be exterminated en masse, and disemboweled in an assembly-line fashion. Oh wait… We already do that. It’s called making hamburgers. Well, at least us non-BPEs suck the milk out of them first!
|
|
So take that, Old MacDonald! Your farm no longer rates even an e-i-e-i-o from the Best Parent Ever, with its barnyard full of lacto-toxic cows (as well as growth-hormone-bloated chicks, pigs, horses, and sheep). It would, however, be an entirely more acceptable aggro-business if your song went something like this…
Old MacDonald had a farm
B-P-E, I Am
And on this farm he only had soy.
B-P-E, I Am.
With fruit juice-sweetened treats
And flouride-free teeth
Here’s a pita chip
And organic rice-cheese dip
Everywhere it tastes like shit
Old MacDonald had farm.
B-P-E, I Am.
For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!
August 13th, 2008
The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they birthed their child in such a better way than you, which is why your child will fail at everything they will ever do.
But not really. All your children will grow up to hate you by the time they are teenagers, whether they were expelled into a birthing tub surrounded by scented soy candles and dolphin-brained midwives, or ripped out in a morphine-soaked haze from your sliced-open abdomen like a bag of Butterball turkey giblets. But don’t tell that to the Best Parent Ever, who will insist their childbirth technique (so often free of medication, epidurals, and even medical professionals) was the best thing they could have ever done for their future prodigies.
| Childbirth has become such an overly-produced and overly-commodified event (from both natural and “unnatural” proponents) that people have lost sight of how basic and simple an act it is. Little Baby Jesus got crapped out in a manger, for Christ’s sake, and He did okay, right? So what are you saying? That your baby’s more important than Christmas? Natural, epidural, C-section ? It all works out in the end. |
|
So take that, MacDuff, “from his mother’s womb untimely ripped.” You may have killed MacBeth in a Caesarean-enriched rage, but Jesus is better than you, and so is the Best Parent Ever. Not only does the Best Parent Ever shamelessly boast about their natural childbirth experiences, but they are more adept at trawling Wikipedia for Shakespeare references like the one above. And that doth be why they be most bett’r than thou.
For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!
August 8th, 2008
The Best Parent Ever is not only better than you, they are master thespians, capable of presenting a powerful “dramatic” work at the slightest hint of another adult’s judgemental eye.
Haven’t we all had to sit through a command performance of “The Super Parent Show?” It’s working title is actually: “Watch Me Parent Better Than You.” It’s like a badly-acted, health-class-style skit in which one parent speaks so “sincerely” and “profoundly” to their child in public that every other parent around is compelled to listen (and “admire”). It would otherwise be comical, if not for how inadequate it makes the rest of us feel.
| In truth, we all know what parents are like when no one is looking — even the most loving forebears yell at their children, ignore them, and sometimes do everything they can to get away from them. But put these same families in a social setting with other parents — say a Mommy & Me, a popular playground, or even… gasp!… a Chuck E. Cheese party — and Mommy Dearest suddenly transforms into the Blessed Mother. Who turned on the bad Afterschool Special? Normally-sane adults are now dealing with Childageddon by beatifically consoling their offspring with textbook-perfect parenting wisdom about emotions and feelings. It’s like watching Super Nanny crap out the Dali Lama on the front stoop of Sesame Street, metaphorically speaking that is.
|
|
So take that, Mike and Carol Brady! You and your other TV parents may be ever-wise and even-tempered family leaders, but you are nowhere near as perfect (and fictional) as this week’s very special episode of The Super Parent Show. As for the intended audience? There is no need to applaud this performance. Just wallow in your own shortcomings as parents, and that will be more than enough acclaim… for the Best Parent Ever.
For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Forum!
