Best Parent Ever

 
The Best Parent Ever is better than you because they are almost able to keep up with celebrity parents, which you can’t do, because you are merely human.

Celebrities are not human. It’s anybody’s guess what life-form they are but the term “android” comes to mind. The android, er, movie star, is thus on a constant quest to prove their biological connection to the rest of the media-consuming public, which just happens to be human. Starting a family is, at the moment, one of their favorite strategies in pursuit of this goal (although, as Tom and Nicole discovered, merely adopting children is not enough to dispel suspicions of their malfunctioning bionic souls).

But offspring are messy, dirty, and relentlessly unfashionable on the red carpet, which is why an entire industry of absurdly high-end baby products suddenly appeared out of nowhere, starting pretty much after a nude Demi Moore showed us her future stretch marks on the cover of Vanity Fair in 1991. Prior to that, everyone — rich and poor alike — just bought their baby crap at Toys R Us. Now, an entire Celebrity Baby Industrial Military Complex has sprung up to feed and nuture this Brave New World of Baby Bumps, and along the way, extract fantastic sums from Best Parents all over the world, who want to be just like their robotrix role models.

So take that, non-celebrity breeders! The best you can hope for is to keep up with the celebrity “parenting” of Britney Spears (which shouldn’t be too much of a problem). But not the Best Parent Ever. They are better than Britney and better than you too, as they put their name on the registry at Petit Tresor and Bel Bambini in West Hollywood, right next to J. Lo, Nicole, and Naomi. See you on babyrazzi.com!

The Best Parent Ever likes to lead a very active social life.  But who will watch their precious brood when all the babysitters are taken, and the non-white nanny is off visiting visiting relatives in El Salvador for the weekend?

Not to worry: the Best Parent is smart.  In fact, the Best Parent is so smart that they’re even smarter than other Best Parents. 

With all of this resourcefulness, the Best Parent turns to something called Pot Luck Childcare.  It’s like a pot luck dinner — but smarter!

Pot Luck Childcare starts when the smarter Best Parent is completely exhausted from spending as much as 5 minutes with their loudly-vocalizing children.  So, the smarter Best Parent calls up a dumber Best Parent and tries to invite themselves over for dinner.  But why would any self-absorbed Best Parent ever agree to this, regardless of intellectual abilities?  After all, they too are exhausted from spending as much as 5 minutes with their own loudly vocalzing children. 

Because the smarter Best Parent has said three magic words: pot luck dinner.  All the dumber Best Parent hears is: “Someone is bringing me free food!”

But THIS pot luck dinner is really just a trojan horse for free childcare.   For the price of a tossed salad, or some leftover soup in a Pyrex dish, the smarter Best Parent can casually release their brood into the house of the dumber Best Parent with impunity.  The dumber Best Parent is then primarily concerned with monitoring their own kids and those of the visiting Best Parent. 

Take note: it’s not REALLY about the dinner.  It’s about the smarter Best Parent tricking the dumber Best Parent into watching their children, while they relax in the dumber Best Parent’s house, flipping through their People magazines and drinking as much of their Trader Joe’s merlot as possible.

So take that, lesser parents of the world and their babysitters!  The Best Parent has replaced you with a dish of badly-cooked, green-bean casserole — and a couple of suckers called their friends!    

Feel free to keep the dirty Pyrex.

The Polls have closed and the 2008 Dumbest Baby Name Ever is…

Shi’thead.

Congratulations, Shi’theads everywhere. Your name is officially dumbest.

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Nearly 500 Dumb Baby Names were submitted by readers. The editors of BestParentEver.com chose six finalists for the following reasons…

Abcde (pronounced “Absedee”) — We chose this for the sheer laziness of it. Need a baby name? Just take the first five letters of the alphabet.

EPSN (pronounced “Espin”) — More like W.T.F.? And what if the parents suddenly start watching Fox Sports instead? Probably the only thing worse than having an unwanted name tattooed on your flesh, is having your kid named after a network you no longer watch.

Orangello and Lemongello (pronounced like they are spelled, but with a “jello” sound) — We like these names because they sound like dessert or after-dinner drinks. The advantages to this is that you can be in a restaurant, shouting at your kids, and the waiter might think you’re just ordering very loudly. The next thing you know, a dish of something sweet and alcoholic shows up. Best Parent Ever wins again! (Added bonus: the urban dictionary defines Lemongello as “a given name meaning your butt is the widest part of your body.” Orangello means “the mother of all flotsam.”)

Nevaeh (”heaven” spelled backwards) — There is a whole subgenre of Dumb Baby Names in which a perfectly normal name is spelled backwards. Why? So the child can one day see “heaven” in the mirror? Or are these parents just dyslexic? And what happens when you combine a backwards spelling parent with a plain old lazy Dumb Name Parent. Can the name “Edcba” (”Abcde” backwards) be far behind?

Xy (pronounced “Zie”) — Is this child named after their chormosomal contents? Who knows! It was one of many outstanding X names submitted, including Xyler (pronounced “Zyler”) and Xyz (pronounced “Zice”). Face it: English-speaking people don’t know how to pronounce names that begin with X. So even if you named your kid Xavier, you’re still asking for trouble.

Shi’thead — Pronounced “Shi’thaad.” Maybe in some parts of the world this is a perfectly normal name. But here it is just pure evil parenting genius.

Vote now!